Moon

Last night the wife and I watched a movie that I was somewhat excited to see. The movie was Moon, a (supposedly) thinking man's sci fi with a (supposedly) interesting plot twist. I hated this movie. I was physically angry after watching this movie. I normally find it hard to hate a movie that is well acted. Not so with Moon. Moon has almost no story. It's almost as if the director pitched an interesting idea and the producers decided that, in order to save money, they would forgo an actual script and have Sam Rockwell interpret the director's original pitch off the cuff. Rockwell was brilliant, but not brilliant enough to make up for the pathetic utterly underdeveloped story. The movie has no prelude and no viable conclusion. Moon is essentially sci fi Castaway except Tom Hanks' character has been changed to a legion of clones marooned on the moon instead of an uninhabited island. And instead of befriending a volleyball, the clones befriend HAL from 2001, except HAL has been given a face and some Prozac. In Castaway you are shown not only how Tom Hanks gets to the island, but how he gets off and subsequently reconnects with those closest to him. In contrast, Moon never establishes how the clones got to the moon, and when one of the clones manages to leave the movie abruptly ends. I suppose that if questioned the director would say that the lack of a prelude and conclusion are irrelevant and that the movie is more about ideas than story. To me, that's nonsense. If I want to be presented with ideas I'll read an essay. Movies are supposed to have a story with an ending. If, as it seems, the director's intention was to have me choose the lady or the tiger at the end of the film, I want him to know I chose disgust.

Gold

I was reading the other day that the price of gold is up to $1600/oz. and that in these times of economic uncertainty gold is an excellent investment. I'm no investment guru and it is entirely possible that this is true. However, it makes no sense to me. Here's why. First, I am inherently suspicious of anything endorsed by Glenn Beck. Second, if there is an economic catastrophe and everyone loses their money, what exactly do you do with your gold? As far as I can tell the idea of investing in gold is to hold onto it and sell it when the price goes up, just as you would with a stock. However, if everyone loses their money in a market crash, to whom are you going to sell your gold? It seems to me that in that case the gold would be essentially worthless unless you (A) know how to make jewelry (B) are familiar with gold's unique chemical properties and plan on doing some interesting chemistry or (C) plan on turning your gold into a pagan deity that can somehow solve the economic crisis and heal the markets thereby restoring the value of your gold. Now as I explained earlier, I am not familiar with many investment strategies and it could very well be that my skepticism is completely misguided. But I refuse to do any research for a blog post that nobody is going to read.

In closing, I have always wondered where all this gold is that people are buying. Fort Knox? Tenochtitlan? Also, if you buy one million dollars worth of gold can you have it sent to your house? Does it come in bricks, coins or nuggets? Glenn, I'm confused. Help me!

Chocodiles

My daughter loves candy. I would say she has a passion for candy. She also has a passion for heavy machinery and tickling. But, I would say her passion for candy far surpasses all others. Her passion for candy makes me reflect on my lifelong passion for sweets. My mother is a saintly woman who has done many, many things to shape me into the pillar of awesomeness that society at large loves and adores. She, perhaps unwittingly, fueled my passion for candy when I was a child by leaving small treats on the table nearly every day after school. The treats ranged from the sublime (Cherry Clan, Gobstoppers) to the grotesque (NECCO wafers). But without fail they were always there.

(A quick aside. The interweb machine is a magical thing. I've been lamenting the demise of the Cherry Clan for years. A quick internet search revealed that the Cherry Clan became the Cherryhead sometime in the 90's. I say shenanigans. I've had a Cherryhead and it's not the same. The formula may be the same, but the amazing Cherry Clan box must have imbued the candy with magical powers that the Cherryhead just doesn't possess.)

On special occasions my mom would put out Hostess treats after school. My favorite Hostess treat was the Chocodile. I didn't eat as may Chocodiles as a kid as I would have liked, which is probably a good thing, seeing as it is basically a Twinkie coated in brown wax. I'm sure the Hostess people will claim that the wax in question is chocolate, but I know what chocolate tastes like and the Chocodile contains no chocolate. Not that the wax is a bad thing. The wax actually serves to dull the sweetness of the Twinkie, resulting in a more mild albeit chemically enhanced (which is really saying something for a Hostess snack) eating experience. The market down the street from my home sells Chocodiles and I purchase one from time to time, mostly for nostalgic reasons. Truth be told, the Chocodile is not particularly good. Zingers, which are coated in a chocolate wax frosting of much higher quality, are much better. I even think that I knew as a child that the Chocodile was not all that I believed it to be. In retrospect, I think that my passion for Chocodiles was nothing more than a triumph of marketing. It was always much cooler to be eating a snack cake whose mascot was a hip crocodile as opposed to a regular Twinkie or, heaven forbid, Snowball.

In any case, here's to you, Chocodile. Thanks for the good times.

Books

I don't know how long it has been since I last made a post on this blog. I suppose I could check, but I really don't care and neither does anyone else. However, I've had the feeling that I should write lately so here it goes.

I've been thinking a lot lately about books. I haven't been reading any books, mind you, just thinking about them. If anyone cares, the last book I read was The Last Boy (Just a terrible title. I understand the author's motivation, but still an awful title) about Mickey Mantle. It was a solid read, but nothing spectacular. Anyway, I've always had the desire to write a book. I don't really enjoy writing, but I enjoy reading what I write, if that makes any sense. And I've always been fascinated by novels, especially long ones (Tolstoy not Dickens). The ability to maintain a coherent series of thoughts over the course of several hundred pages is a fascinating skill that sadly eludes me. I suppose I could try to write a short story, but short stories are for wusses and "poets" (Hemingway excluded). If I were to write a book I would like for it to be a marathon of words. However, people would probably think I was trying to mimic Faulkner or Pinchot when really I was just writing a story about a man and his cat.

If I were to write a book, I would want it to be good, which is why I will never write a book. I'm not exactly sure what makes a book "good." I'm sure there is a formula for it that they teach you in literary theory classes (right, Renee) but in my experience you can tell if a book is good simply by the way you feel when you finish it. Good books usually leave me in a state of confused calm. The best example of this is One Hundred Years of Solitude. I read the whole book without ever having a clue what the hell was going on and I loved every minute of it. When I finished I felt as though I had experienced something great, even though I really had no idea what it was. I think my daughter feels this way whenever we read any of those Mo Willems books. I don't think she fully grasps the meaning of Dr. Cat, but I can tell just by looking at her that she understands his awesomeness.

In closing, the worst book ever written is Jane Eyre, and it's not even close. Curse you Charlotte Bronte. I much prefer staring at the endless cornfields of Nebraska from a poorly ventilated mini-van to reading your nonsensical drivel.

A Few Thoughts on Health Care

Heath care has been in the news quite a bit recently. I suppose I don't have anything particularly substantive to add to the conversation but I do have a few thoughts.

1. Honest, civil political discourse in this country is dead.

As I mentioned above, health care has been in the news constantly for quite some time. Pundits and talking heads claim that there is some kind of "debate" taking place. I think I must have missed it because all I've heard and read about is partisan argument centered around the idea of heath care.

You may say that argument is debate. On a certain level I concede that that is true. It is quite difficult to debate without some genuine difference of opinion. However, in a true debate the issues that form the foundation of the disagreement are the focus of the debate and are brought to the forefront and discussed openly and frankly. I don't see this happening in America today with regard to health care. The "debate" doesn't appear to be centered on anything even remotely related to health care. Instead, the major participants (partisan lawmakers)focus on ideological political differences that often have little if anything to do with the issue at hand. The real issues (whatever they are) remain around the periphery of the argument and are occasionally entertained. However, lawmakers have discovered that it is much easier to say, "we're right about health care because the Republicans are wrong (and vice versa)" than it is to actually study the issues, devise a viable solution and explain why it is sound. When lawmakers in this country decide to engage in a real debate I may start paying attention.

2. The Rise of the Republocrats.

The previous paragraphs may make it seem as though I am not paying attention to the health care "debate" (especially since the last sentence claimed that I may START paying attention to the debate in the future). To be honest, I have monitored the discussion as well as a man can without a television. Most of what I hear makes me either laugh hysterically or vomit with rage.

All the Republican palaver about how the Democrats are slowly turning the United States into a socialist paradise really tickles me. I don't think that the Democrats are suggesting that we completley collectivize health care. But even if we did I'm almost certain that the act would not make us all socialists. There are plenty of public goods that are administered by the government: roads, education, etc. Are we all socialists because we drive on geovernment built roads and were educated by poorly paid government employees? The U.S. could collectivize health care and still maintain its capitalist dignity and credibility. There would simply be much less money in the private sector, a thought which terrifies Republicans. (NOTE: I'm not endorsing socialized medicine, I'm simply stating that one of the key arguments against it seems flimsy to me.

The Democrats are just as bad. I wish they would figure out that they can't be all things to all people. Also, it always astounds me that they fail to take into consideration the price tag that comes along with being all things to all people. You'd think that with all that trust fund money they could hire and accountant.

I wish we could take the best from both political parties and form a super party. They do this in music all the time so why not politics. I say we call the new party the Republocrats. If you took the evil and fiscal responsibility of the Republicans and coupled it with the naivety and basic human decency of the Democrats I think you'd have a party capable of governing something. At worst it would be as competent as the band Damn Yankees.

3. Doctorbs

I'm actually quite thankful for doctors. In college I found most pre med students to be insufferable jerks. Most of them thought that they were superior to other students because they were working towards a greater, more noble goal and were smarter than everyone else. They were wrong on both accounts. There is nothing more noble about being a doctor than there is about being a garbage man. If anything I think garbage collectors are infinitely more noble. It takes a special person to debase himself for the common good. Besides, if we were all swimming in refuse and a sea of rats because of a lack of sanitation workers, all the doctors in the world couldn't save us. Also, doctors aren't inherently smarter than the rest of us, they just study more, plain and simple.

When my daughter was born prematurely I had

Coldplay Makes Me Tired

I thought long and hard about the subject of my first post. After much consideration I've decided to address something that has bothered me for years.

Apparently Coldplay had become the biggest rock band in the world. This is odd to me since Coldplay is not a rock band. I am not a music critic or a musician. I did master the recorder in third grade and played a mean clarinet for a few years in middle school. Also I can operate most CD players and tune a radio. That sadly, is the extent of my musical expertise. I'm sure there are certain criteria that must be met in order for a song to be classified a rock song. Undoubtedly these involve time signatures, chord progressions and the wearing of leather pants. However, when it comes to classifying songs I tend to disregard literal definitions and base my judgments on feel. And to me, with few exceptions, Coldplay does not feel like a rock band.

As far as I can tell, Coldplay has done everything in its power to emulate U2. Chris Martin is earnest to a fault, he wears tape on his fingers and believes in fair trade and whales. Most Colplay songs can be described as either anthemic or ethereal and sound quite lovely in a stadium setting. Yet for reasons unknown to me, the members of Coldplay have not yet figured out how to harness their collective testosterone long enough to write a rock song. On each CD U2 manages to write at least 2 or 3 straightforward rock songs. You don't even have to listen to the music to know which songs are the rock songs. All you have to do is look at the titles: Bullet the Blue Sky, Sunday Bloody Sunday, Elevation, etc. When you look at the titles of Coldplay songs you see things like Yellow, Clocks, and Fix You, which has nothing to do with cars or robots. Sadly, the best Coldplay "rock" song ever written is called City of Blinding Lights and it was written and performed by U2.

I actually like most of the Coldplay songs I've heard. I don't dislike the music Coldplay makes, I simply don't understand the way it is classified. I like to listen to Coldplay when I am tired, and I have a feeling that if my cat ever ran away Chris Martin's falsetto warblings would help soften the blow. People need music that brightens their outlook on life and helps them to fall asleep. James Taylor and Cat Stevens built entire careers writing songs that do just that. I don't remember anyone calling them rock stars.

This is what you should think

I'm writing this blog because I'm tired of people thinking incorrect things. The fastest way to correct this is to periodically post the truth and allow people to access it at their leisure.